80's Child

Thanks Kelley

2006-09-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

so this is really the only way i know how to get in touch with some people... but i have to be honest, i NEVER update this thing. as i'm sure you can tell by the last entry :/ but thank you kelley for the prayers! quite an unexpected blessing to see that :) and the only reason i ever knew about it is that the comments on here get emailed to me. i've just sorta lost time and ability to blog frequently.. no more computer, working all the time, assorted other things that seem to steal my time. but if any of you want to stay in touch with me the best way is to either check out my "myspace" page (www.myspace.com/thejamessummers) or just email, i can check those at work and respond to them too! jimgump37@hotmail.com ... thats not really the one i use most often but if you send me one there and i know who you are i'll respond with my the one i use all the time. i hope all who are reading are doing well!

shalom

WEBSITE

2006-04-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

www.fallingband.com

check it out.

aahhhhh

2006-03-09T14:40:00.000-08:00

this one's for you Kelley :)

life is insane.

my band has started the recording process for our first cd and therefor my life has become amazingly busy. but busily amazing too.

i don't actually know what busily amazing means...

anywho, life is being lived but here's something that i've seen happen: my interactions with God seem to be turning into a duty. this has happened many times before. but the difference with this time is that all my busyness is somehow or another linked to the calling with which I've been called. the specific calling on my life i mean. in the interactions with my Maker becoming duty-esque, my fulfilling of my calling to be selfless and holy are slipping too. but with the gifts God has given me and asked me to use for His kingdom, those things are the ones that are occupying my time more and more. the band is really taking off and its very exciting to see things start to happen with our music, but like i said, its becoming the most time consuming thing in my life.

i want to put as much as I can into it; but to be able to accomplish that while staying focused on the Beginner of all the works in my life would be prime.

so part of me wants to just resolve to fix it and work real hard at doing that. but another part of me thinks that my works wouldn't produce anything. so thats my dilema. the things that are taking over my time are great things.. things that I believe God has called me to do. But i don't want those things to result in the deterioration of my relationship with Him.

any thoughts and/or prayers are coveted, but really i think just typing this out will be a good first step.

beat me senseless

2006-02-23T06:56:00.000-08:00

so over the last few months i seemingly haven't be able to get away from one scripture. it keeps coming up everywhere. my quiet times. sermons. talks with people. 1 Corinthians 9-11. the jist of it: "I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means i might save some."

it deals with freedom.

it deals with selfishness.

it deals with what i think about every second of the day.

just because i am "entitled" to enjoy certain freedoms, that doesn't mean that the best way for me to go about living is to soak those up. yet again another paradox of my faith. if i were in prison for years, then was released, my natural reaction would be to do as much as i could, just BECAUSE i could. nothing crazy. but things like go get a beer. eat ice cream. watch a movie. walk in the park. all lovely things that i enjoy. but as christians we're called to something else. and i'm realizing more every day that its freakin' hard to live that out. i have done it. i have seen how amazing God is when i lose myself. but i don't do it every day. i don't even do it once a month. i live the majority of my life discovering new freedoms i am able to enjoy.
i'm not saying that beer, ice cream, movies, and walks in the park are bad things. they are lovely like i said. but sometimes... maybe more than i'd like to admit... i should deny myself these lovely things for the sake of the gospel. for the sake of loving others more... maybe not more, but even as much as i love myself. thats like 100 times more than i love them normally.

so i have blogged on it. i have fulfilled my duties as a modern christian. now its back to ice cream, beer, and movies. :\ (little sarcasm directed towards my tendancies)

bored

2006-02-21T09:35:00.000-08:00

at work and there's not much to do. here's some lyrics to a song:

starry night come out to play
life's easy away from day
hidden from the light to see
everything that makes me me

there's a part inside my soul
i'm scared to hide and scared to show
i hope it dies along with this
moon that's hanging up so bliss

warring self against self taxes a soul
attacks on the body seem much easier to take
now i've nowhere to go
"Run into My hands... My arms."

now i lie in painful rest
moments of relieving stress
i close my eyes so i can see
everything that isn't me

Sunday Bloody Sunday

2006-02-19T13:43:00.000-08:00

no my day hasn't consisted of insurections or uprisings, but it is bloody.

today i'm questioning myself and how much trust i put in people. the last thing i want to do is become cynical and shut myself down from everyone else. but sometimes i just get so frustrated with people letting me down. maybe its less a question of my trust that i put in them and more a question of expectations i have of them. i hope i can trust my friends with the parts of me that aren't so pretty. that they'll still love and care for me in and through the crappy times in my life. but i think i can do that and still not hold high expectations of them and their actions towards me.

to the onlooker this looks like something crazy has happened in my life... something really dramatic. it really hasn't. there are WAY worse stories than the one in my life that brought me to this point. but i don't want to stop questioning or thinking about these things just because the catalyst wasn't a huge deal. i figure, if this thought was sparked in my head, i might as well take it on.

texas weather

2006-02-17T07:45:00.000-08:00

yesterday:
i sweat pools
today:
i freeze extremeties
yesterday:
i got a nose tan
today:
i can't feel my nose
yesterday:
i smelled really bad
today:
i can't smell anything (nose is stuffed up)
yesterday:
80 degrees
today:
40 degrees

everyday in Texas:
insane.

Hello Blog World!!!

2006-02-15T10:41:00.000-08:00

Its been way too long since I've been here. Quick update: I'm working with my dad for some steady income and well on my way with my music. Falling (my band) is going into the studio at the end of march to record our first EP. Pretty stinkin' pumped about that :-D Our website is also almost finished so you can check that out beginning in march. j.a.n.e. is comin' along. Nathan and I are still in the "learn/write songs" stage. We'll soon be getting gigs. I've been attending a community of believers here in austin called Mosaic and it is shaping up to be an amazing journey. I am completely in love with the way the Spirit moves in this body and am excited about getting more involved.

thats pretty much all the new news.

I'm going to a small group tonight where we will be reading through Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. I've already read it but I'm pumped about talking to more people about it and hearing all sorts of ideas and thoughts on everything in the book. So i'm sure after tonight I'll have some good stuff to post.

Its good to be back :)

things to post

2005-11-14T08:57:00.000-08:00

yesterday.

Sunday morning we went to church under the bridge in Austin. We met and ministered to a slew of homeless people. We got to give them a hearty meal and share the love of Christ with them. It was a great experience for our youth to go and see and be emersed in that. I know God will continue to bless the kids and has started something great in them.

Sunday night I announced that I'm leaving FBC Pflugerville. God is amazing. I was worried to point of my stomach hurting all day about how to tell the kids and what words would be the best to use to relay the news. And the Spirit completely spoke. But for those of you who weren't there, here's the deal:

Starting at the beginning of next year (2006) I will no longer be working or going to FBC Pflugerville as the Associate Youth Pastor. God over the course of the past year or so has been opening doors, one after the other, in the arena of music for me. I have a band and we are starting to pursue playing and leading worship as a career... but more than the money/career side, we know God is calling us out to do it full time. In addition to that j.a.n.e. (a project that I'm pursuing with my friend Nathan) will be spending a lot of time in the club scene playing our original music that is somewhat thought provoking in hopes of sharing the love of Christ with the people that need to hear it the most. Those two things plus my attending sound engineering school in January will pretty much fill my calendar. I looked at all this that was happening; I was seeing all these doors open up; and I was wondering how I could do this and still have time to work at the church. Well over the course of the past few months God has been saying louder and louder that I need to pursue the music and the ministry therein. All the way to the point where I was probably one step away from actually hearing His audible voice. I have no doubt that God is calling me to do this. And bc of that I'm not scared of what may or may not happen. God is calling me out and I know He is going to take care of me.

all that said...

I'm sad to leave my kids. I've spent over 3 years here loving them and hanging out and just growing with them. I know that God loves them MUCH more than I could ever be capable of, so I have no doubt that He will protect and love His bride soooo well.

Like I said, God is amazing. And this is the start of something pretty sweet I know it.

to blog or not to blog...

2005-11-02T08:42:00.000-08:00

that is the question. whether it is nobler blah blah blah...

I haven't been on in a while. Well I don't have much to talk about so I think i'll just post some poems/songs i've written. Hope they speak to you. :)

(written on 12-1-04)
my cloak is unraveling
my skin is showing
my shame is shining
me into a dark corner

Your grace is falling
Your mercy is raining
Your love should speak
louder than men
louder than angels
am i letting Love live?
am i living letting love
speak over me?

Your cloak holds oceans (Pr. 30:4)
Your skin is healing (Acts 19:12)
Your shame is shining
me into His Light (Heb. 6:6)
----------------------------------
(written 9-23-04)
a color filled page
held under a light so dim
faded "could-be" rainbows
into greys shaded thin

children tired of the bore
of living in the grey

so fade up
to brighten these eyes
so fed up
with living without light

listen to me child
you've gone so long
you think you'll love wild
but tired and grey will be your song
-------------------------------------

(written on 9-27-04)
moon peeking through
creeping clouds
ambient ambers and silvers
SHINE.
shapes of sharks made by
spaces dark
puffed around by the
creepers
my eyes see shadows
"Thank you." to the light
my mind feels light
no weights hold it down
special scenes.
--------------------------------------

The Poverty of a Blessed Man
(date unknown)

i've held for so long
self righteousness
still i hold onto conciet
that i can do Your will
follow Your ways
learn from You

and You allow...
me to go on.

until my ignorance is broken
selfishness torn away
by obstacles i've tried to dodge
so i can do Your will
follow Your ways
learn from You

now broken
i come like a pauper
poor in spirit
where i need to be...
------------------------------------

PSYCH!

2005-11-02T08:40:00.000-08:00

So the dive took a one week break for the celebration of our pastors 15 years at our church! It'll be back soon. and very soon. we're going to see the King. hallelujah. hallelujah. we're going to see the King.

The Dive is Back!!!

2005-10-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

Matthew 6
Be careful not to do your righteous acts before men...

how do you do that?
what could we do "in secret"?
...pray
...help the needy "under the radar", go find them and do it with out lights flashing and sirens blaring

prayer.. do in the quiet, secret place... but how? what does it look like?

...drive by prayer (copyright Tom Cottar, 2005); shake a hand, hear their heart,
pray silently right then for them
...don't use vain repetition; whats the difference between VAIN repetition
and repeating things we need to focus on? is there one?
...should there be guide lines? are there any? what about David in Psalm?

"give us this day our daily bread." if we pray that will it happen? if we don't pray it will it happen anyway?

if it is God's will for "THIS" to happen, would it make any difference what so ever
if we did or didn't pray for "THIS"?

This has been a publication of FBC Pflugerville Student Ministry. Please comment, answer some of the questions, or just post a thought that something here has spurred in your head. Oh, and have a nice day :)

MY MUSIC!!!!

2005-10-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

www.myspace.com/thejamessummers

click it
hear it
love it
maybe...

case of the mundays

2005-10-17T08:16:00.000-07:00

this weekend was rather awesome. friday was photo op day with the band. Any of you who need a photographer Summer McWilliams is the girl to go to. SHE RULES! so yeah that was really fun. then got home and went to bed. saturday had the big rally at the church which i helped set up the sound system for. and tear it down. then that night just hung out with the boys. good times. sunday was pretty uneventful. church. lunch. slept for about 6 hours. dinner. spiderhouse. bed. so the weekend was pretty good.

and then there was monday.

most people's hatred of monday's stems from the fact that they've been off work for 2 days and have to go back and it sucks. but mine isn't really. i love my job. i actually miss it when i'm not there. my hatred of mondays stems from the fact that SINCE i've been off work for 2 days, i've had more time to stay busy and keep my mind occupied with friends and such, that when I go back to work i have to ease into not being constantly occupied. this easing is not easy. when ever i stay occupied for any length of time, as soon as I'm not, i start to think about everything that is stressful and sad. so mondays are a long process of forcing myself not to think like that. so today will be a long day i think. i'll probably be back later to update the situation. but here i am now.

hiatus

2005-10-11T01:10:00.001-07:00

The Dive is on a short hiatus. We will return to our regularly scheduled program on October 23rd. Stay Tuned.

and now, a word from our sponsor:

WORD.

hiatus

2005-10-11T01:10:00.000-07:00

The Dive is on a short hiatus. We will return to our regularly scheduled program on October 23rd. Stay Tuned.

and now, a word from our sponsor:

WORD.

WARNING this post may contain some satirical views.

2005-10-05T22:05:00.000-07:00

a song i wrote once:

welcome to the church show*
hands up, mouths cry, hearts hide
look at me and know how life
is to be lived, its all up to us

close your eyes and feel what i feel
raise your hands and only then
Almighty God will come to you
restore you and make you whole...

*this is always what you've wanted
can't you see?
everything is here for
you and me
to make life seem so happy...
happy...

carouselic rides around the room
make you dizzy, happy & smile
catatonic bodies lay all around
RIDDEN

now open up your eyes to see the show
then and only then
Almighty God will descend
lets give Him a hand...

*this is always what you've wanted
can't you see?
everything is here for
you and me
to make life seem so happy...
happy...

welcome to the church show*
hands up, mouths cry, hearts hide
look at me and how i live my life...
how i live me life/?...

to all my peeps

2005-10-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

it has been few and far between, my blogging. but i'm back in action. sorry for the temporary disappearance.

so something that was on my mind today:
2 weeks ago I went to a bible study. and it was far from ordinary. it was easily the best bible study i've been to for the sole reason that the people there were so raw and open about their lives that it was glorious. such vulnerability from everyone and it didn't matter! it was a homeless bible study here in Austin. We met at an Episcopalian church on the east side of the city. there were about 40-50 people there. probably 10 that were volunteers helping with the dinner served before the bible study the rest were homeless men and women. some as old as 60, some as young as 20. it was amazing. the group was going through the sermon on the mount and was covering Jesus' words on "turn the other cheek" this night. there was discussion about not holding hate or bitterness inside for anyone because of the damage it does to you. not only was this whole experience awesome to hear their perspectives that were so different from mine, but what was talked about was EXACTLY what i was needing to hear. i've been dealing with just that, bitterness. now, their stories were much heavier than mine is, as some of them talked about dealing with issues of not hating the man who beat their sister to death. i have in no way been through anything that even comes close to that. but my current situation, i've been dealing with bitterness in my heart towards someone who hurt me. so this bible study was amazing to say the least. i met amazing people and heard amazing perspectives. i'll be going every tuesday night now and attempting to become more involved in their lives and helping in any way i can.

so that was just on my mind so i thought i'd share it. thanks again for reading this bloggers blabber :)

beautiful technology

2005-10-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

reasons why wireless internet is the best thing ever:

10. sitting on the couch and being online
9. outdoor blogging
8. iTunes finding my cd track names without being "plugged in"
7. it doesn't give me cancer
6. live blogging at the Dive
5. having every ounce of information i'll ever need in a 12" silver case with a screen
4. chatting from a couch while watching tv
3. bible online in seconds
2. chords are from satan
1. bathroom blogging :)

The Dive (week 3)

2005-10-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

Matthew 5...
...and they read...

what does it mean to be poor in spirit?

some answers
...sad
...those who know they have great spiritual needs
...the realization of one's spiritual helplessness

Greek tocas-bankrupt... they know they have nothing to give spiritually.

blessed are those who mourn...

...to miss someone whom you love

for they will be comforted...
...mourners are open about their emotions are then able to be comforted in them
...any hard time you go through, God will comfort you
...crying is tradtionally seen as weekness, so in tears we realize our need for strength and comfort

blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth...
...being meek could also mean being humble, which is pleasing to God

blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled...
blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy...
blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God...
... can my heart not be pure and then still see God?
think about where you were when you at the times you saw God clearly with out a doubt...

blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called sons of God...
whats the difference between a peacemaker and a peacekeeper?

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven...
what are some things in our lives that people get persecuted because of, or how is it played out?
some answers
...being made fun for not cussing, drinking, etc.
...being cussed out because of what they believe

why are we persecuted like we are as Christians?
who is doing the persecuting? non-christians or our brothers and sisters?
how do we respond to either type of it?

2005-09-30T10:58:00.000-07:00

The Dive (week 2)

2005-09-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

Today is Monday.

Yesterday was Sunday.

Yesterday was The Dive.

Yesterday I was at ACL Festival... Happy Birthday Me.

So I've listened to the audio from The Dive and am now able to blog. "and I still love technology, but not as much as you you see, but I still love technology." -Kip.

This second week of The Dive showed itself to be pretty cool. The students talked ALOT more which is great. So many perspectives, so many ideas, so many thoughts.

Here was one of them:
Hypocrisy. Lots of comments on it. Lots of these kind of comments: "we need to walk our talk." "be careful to live what you believe." Tom asked the question, "Being a christian, is it who I am, or is it what I do? Or both?" Kristie told a story of her friend that every day tells her how much she loves Green Day, and stated that she wants to love Jesus that much. So much so that she just wants to tell someone everyday how much she loves Him. Basically saying, its kinda hard to separate what you are from what you do. You act according to who you are. Wise words.

But a question to chew on: "If who I am is in Christ, will I have to try and do what is according to who I am?"

One made the point that alot of the comments about hypocrisy seemed to be aimed at people. And she pointed out how thats not what it should be. That when talking about hypocrisy we should "look at the plank in our own eye." Wise words.

The homework for next week is Matthew chapter 5 and we will discuss, chew on, run through the meat grinder all the thoughts we have on this. God is amazingly complex and we won't ever get it all here on earth with our finite minds but lets see how deep the rabbit hole goes...

The Dive (week 1)

2005-09-18T18:15:00.000-07:00

This is the first of many posts to come that come straight from The Dive, a fellowship of the Youth of FBC Pflugerville.

20 + youth are here tonight. We hope to spend an hour or so of our lives to get open, honest, and exposed with each other as we are the body of Christ, and we should hold each other up. Tonight is a night of questions...

tonight we will begin to wrestle and hopefully walk away with some limps... thanks Jake.

What does it mean to be a Christian?
Some answers:
...to be a Christ follower
...to try to be perfect but know that you never will be
...decide that your life doesn't belong to you so you give to the One who created it
...you don't rely on your own strengths, but rely on God
...noticeably different

what does it mean to be noticeably different?
Some answers:
...don't put on my "hoochie mama clothes"
...focus more on others than yourself

The Good Samaritan: who is my neighbor? is it my physical next-door neighbor? my schoolmates? a radical muslim who hates Christianity? how do I show compassion to him?

Great Commission: what does it mean to make a disciple?

how do we hold our brothers and sisters accountable? how do we act and react to their lives? how should they react to mine?

Continue to ask questions... big questions... as we dive together, we are going to be tackling some huge issues. We may not gain all sorts of answers to all our questions, but we will surely see Christ as we dive into His word.

Acts 2:42-----four things we should be doing as a church. lets figure out how...

I know this is a very random blog, but those of you who were there can recall some of these discussions. These blogs will start to make more sense the further we get into The Dive and the further we get along in our walks with Christ...

ideas...

2005-09-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

life. i'm living it. and it seems to be kicking my butt. here's the short list of whats happening with me:

...car trouble
...school decisions
...emotional pain dealings

and through out all these things coming up, I've struggled to come up with some great thoughts, some great words, something great... and nothing.
and i gained some encouragement from David...

Psalm 102

A prayer of an afflicted man. When he is faint and pours out his lament before the LORD.

1 Hear my prayer, O LORD;
let my cry for help come to you.
2 Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.

3 For my days vanish like smoke;
my bones burn like glowing embers.

4 My heart is blighted and withered like grass;
I forget to eat my food.

5 Because of my loud groaning
I am reduced to skin and bones.

6 I am like a desert owl,
like an owl among the ruins.

7 I lie awake; I have become
like a bird alone on a roof.

8 All day long my enemies taunt me;
those who rail against me use my name as a curse.

9 For I eat ashes as my food
and mingle my drink with tears

10 because of your great wrath,
for you have taken me up and thrown me aside.

11 My days are like the evening shadow;
I wither away like grass.

23 In the course of my life [a] he broke my strength;
he cut short my days.

24 So I said:
"Do not take me away, O my God, in the midst of my days;
your years go on through all generations.

David wasn't scared to just lay out what he felt and it produced some of the greatest poetry and literature of all time. There is more to this Psalm and I encourage you to read it and all the others, but I was just encouraged to know that I can, in my distress just cry out to God, and not have to worry about it being great. I just have to be real. So here is my psalm for right now:

"Where are You God in my pain?
I can't help but sing refrain
of my every heart beat
as it shoots blood
on the ground.

"Where are You God in my tears?
This abundant life has so many fears
of what i do not know
and what i can't control
its so abounding."

There's so much that I know to be true, but its crazy how what i know to be true seems overpowered by feelings. this is just me, right now at 5:22 PM Friday afternoon...

You're only cool, if you photo blog.

2005-09-13T12:39:00.000-07:00

J.A.N.E. will soon be hitting a club or coffee house near you (if you live in austin).

2005-09-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

This is what I do most of my time. Play guitar.

This was an excuse to try posting a picture. I'm done now.

today is sad.

2005-09-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

with out going into too much detail, I want to just talk a little about my feelings in this vent/blog arena.

emotional pain sucks. if anyone has ever been through a breakup, a death close to you, rejection, whatever, you know what i'm talking about. it sucks. it feels like a hopeless pain. i spent last night (starting at about 11 PM) and this morning until now analyzing my pain. for me, i've been through a breakup. its been almost 4 months since it happened, and i was starting to convince myself that i had dealt with it. like i was over her. and for the last month or so my life has been much happier, so in light of this happiness i was starting to feel like i was getting past all this hurt in me. but there was more that is inside that i haven't dealt with. and its only come to light in the past couple days. but like i said, i've been analyzing now this pain that's come to light. and its wearing me out. i analyze EVERYTHING. i think about EVERYTHING. i think about what i think about, and wonder why i do so... its horrible vicious cycle that just wears me out. but i've found that if i can tough through the analyzations i can come up with some sort of answer that soothes the pain for at least a short time, then i distract myself and forget about it.

i'm tired of this process.

here's what i want to happen: i want the pain to be taken away. i want to not hurt.

here's what i realize: pain isn't going away until i get to heaven and Jesus wipes my tears away. until then, i'll cry. until then i'll hurt. and i've experienced this past summer going some tremendous emotional pain, and seeing God take hold of me in it and make sure that it burned away crap that didn't need to be there, and to allow growth where it needed to happen. and deep down i know that this going to be the trend until i die. i just wish it didn't take pain to be sanctified.

so now i know that there is things inside me that are still yet to be dealt with. i thought i forgave her. i said i did. but i'm not sure if i did or not. i'm holding on to this bitterness about the whole situation, that i've convinced myself isn't a problem because i'm not always feeling bitter and angry. but its there. and i don't like what it does to my being. i'm tired. today is sad.

Just a reminder

2005-09-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

So this blog of mine, I've dealt out alot of my feelings. I thank you all for reading them. Sincerely I thank you. Its not every day I get to have my thoughts heard by many and hear back from them. Which by the way is what this post is about. If you do read this, please do so with a critical mind. Don't take what I say as being gospel truth. Because the fact of the matter is, I don't even know what I'm talking about. I do not by any means have any thing figured out, and this blog is just for my sanity. Its nice to hear from you all on what you think about what I write, because it helps me gain perspective. If I ever say anything that offends, or is just something you don't agree with, please tell me so I can reconsider what I've said, and continue on my journey a little wiser. Thanks again to all of you who read what I write.

Katrina

2005-09-03T02:25:00.000-07:00

I was reading in a friends blog (PS: Kristin will you add me to your team? i couldn't comment on your page bc i'm not a team member) that there's talk from some people of Katrina being brought on by the sin of the area. That the decadence of New Orleans was the reason for this hurricane.

I say: "HOW DARE YOU BLAME THEM FOR THIS!"

Here is a fact that will remain until Jesus returns: sin is in this world. In fact its drenched with the stuff. It brings death, pain, suffering, and slew of other negative consequences with it. And we can do nothing about getting rid of sin. God did that. Jesus did that. And is doing that one by one through sanctification. So for one to say "we should keep out cities in check on what we allow to happen, lest something like this comes our way." I say: "how do you plan on doing that?" Do think we can enlist some programs to lower the sin count of our cities so we can avoid Katrina's and 9-11's? I'm pretty sure i'm right when i say that that has never worked and could never work. If we want to do something about sin, we have to do it the way God designed it to be done. Through HIM! We have to die to ourselves (cliche i know) and start helping these people. If we reach out our hands of love and assist in any way possible the devastation of this hurricane, we will do much more damage to sin than we ever could by blaming specific people and making sure they "don't do it again". Jesus never called us to blame people for their sinful states. HOLY CRAP! We are no better than the people of New Orleans! How can anyone sit in their comfortable desk chairs and type about how "they had this coming"? Get off your butt and do something eternal and not something detrimental. Stop blaming the sinful people of New Orleans for what happened and start attacking what needs to be attacked: SIN. Because guess what... you who blame them, you're no better off than they are. You've got it all coming just as much as they did. But praise the God of grace, the God who is love that He should pull us out of our sinful states that we could not pull ourselves out of! Let's handle this the way we should: His way.

Content with the content

2005-08-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

what makes us cringe when we hear certain words? is it culture? is it the Spirit within us disagreeing with said words? and what about hearing words like "b****" in a sermon makes us cry "WRONG!". what makes a cuss word a cuss word? there are so many views to this issue, and I know essentially it is one of those things we shouldn't dwell on bc it doesn't really matter. the real matter is God, the worship of Him, and people and the loving of them. but that being said why do some people not only cringe at a cuss word but then chastise who ever said it? i really don't have a lot of words to say on this subject... rather, i don't have alot of words that i want to type on the subject right now. i'd rather hear your thoughts. and discuss with you via comments/email/IM/whatever.

made

2005-08-19T23:52:00.000-07:00

i was made with a need.
i was made with a Thought.

so in this need... why would i be made so?

in my head
it seems like it could be answered like this: the Creator at the time of creation must have been in an exceptionally egotistical mood. because to make me, man, with this need for Him, seems awfully selfish. like a kid who picks out a dog that is nice... not the big threatening one, the one that might have some power over him. no, he picks the small, sweet cute one that he can put on a leash and that little girls and widows can pet when he takes strolls through the park.
or its like a girl in search mode. she's already been with the intrigue of a man that ended up becoming the worst time of her life. so now she's looking for that sweet boy. the one who brings her flowers just because. the one who she knows will be anything she wants him to be. the one on whom she can practice her finely tuned skills of manipulation.
maybe its like a guy looking to gain into his possession the car of his dreams. that guy who wants to just have that car. not that guy who is willing to build from scratch or touch up the Olds' that his grandpa gave him, but that guy who has the resources to buy the sweet final product. he takes advantage of what he's got, and gets what he wants.

but here's the deal
my head was made.
pots are made. some are pretty. some are ugly. some have chips out of them. some of them don't stand up on their own. some get loved for a day, a month, a year, but then put on a shelf. and how much do these pots have to say about their states? Paul said who is the clay to question the Potter.
so who am i? God is big enough to take my honest outpouring of confusion, seeking, questioning. He's big enough to hear it.

He is still God.
I am still made.
but i am still questioning.

transparent

2005-08-17T00:31:00.000-07:00

clearly i present myself.

without shame i lay myself out to you because i can "boldy approach the Throne of Grace" so what do i need to hide if the Almighty sees me all.

life and what is it supposed to be seems to be flooding into my thoughts and fleeting just as fast. i took a trip to Zambia, Africa and experienced love like i never have. joy like i never have. Jesus like i never have... all through some extremely needy children. now back in "my life" i seem to be drowning myself with all the temptations available. before my trip to Africa the temptations around me were limited (in my view) to things like: smoking, lust, laziness, and a struggle with bitterness/anger. now that i've seen things my eyes previously had no experience seeing (physical eyes and spiritual eyes) i can see that one of the biggest temptations i fall into is the way i spend my life. and by that i mean a few things...

MONEY
what am i spending my money on? food- eating out and being served, aka spending foolishly. social entertainment- movies, coffee, ice cream; all for the sake of "hanging out." aka spending foolishly. clothes- shirts that are obviously a good deal and a neccisity. so when burned down, the house of my spending reveals a little greedy boy with a paycheck ready to make himself feel good no matter what it takes. all this talk i preached to myself of spending wisely and giving away what i have... none of my flesh has been put on that.

TIME
where am i spending my time? with friends- NOT A WRONG THING #1, but... i look to fill my time with my friends doing absolutely nothing when i could be using it to benefit somebody who needs... something... anything. watching TV- what an incredible waste. sleeping- 8 hours=good 10 hours + a nap=lazy. all my sermons to me speaking on giving myself away to help those in need... none of my flesh has been put on that either.

LOVE
what am i loving? me- all these things i'm doing, they are for my benefit. i am in love with my friends... not romantically with any ONE of them, but romantically with the entire gammit of them, with just having them. i see oppurtunity for them to please me and i take it, and i hoard it. all these pep talks i gave to myself on losing my self in every area of my life, even with my friends by looking for oppurtunities to serve them... none of my flesh has been put on to that.

KNOWLEDGE
what am i pursuing? i am soaking up all these new perspectives on Christianity and seeing others lives that look "cool" and just kind of waiting for it to happen to me. all this talk of working out my faith, of getting off my butt when i learn something and putting it into practice... none of my flesh is on that.
but today i was talking to Jesus, and He reminded me that i have no condemnation in Him. that He is still as in love with me as He was when He saw my spit coming at Him while He was on the cross. (here is where my heart doesn't know what to say... here is where my heart doesn't know what to do... here is where there are no words).

so tonight i will sleep, and tomorrow i will wake up, and what will i do? what will think? how will i spend my money, love, time and knowledge?

ask me when you see me.

Brain Stew

2005-08-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

I have read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.
I am reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell.
I am seeing perspectives on Christianity that I hadn't before.
and yesterday, I didn't read my Bible.

Something caught my attention last night. I am allowing all these different perspectives to come along and influence how I act, think, and live. Not a bad thing I think. Except when I start to love the "newness" of it all and forget to try for myself to look into God's Word for some guidance. I do believe God is bigger than we can understand. And therefore His Word may be in some parts easily confused by our limited minds. And i believe there is great power in the discussion of scripture and the seeking for how it is to be interpretted into our daily lives.

Conclusion: don't not read the Word. Don't automatically drop any idea I previously had about what a certain scripture meant.

INSTEAD: THiNK.

I want to challenge my lookpoint on everything with the mindset of "i might be wrong" but not immediately say "i AM wrong". This is a lie that I was starting to believe. I was starting to think that by being in the position of saying "i don't have it all figured out" that I had it all figured out. if that makes any sense.

danger.

i want to continue to experience God and be captivated in awe of how amazingly ununderstandable He is. and to therein live:

LiFE.AWE.

"The Least"

2005-08-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

Today I ate a sandwich to the point where my stomach hurt.

Richard, Tasha, Matias, Rueben, Misheck, Paul, Max, Malulu, Patrick, Richard, Kunda, Kelvin, Simon, Sekwe, Gilbert probably didn't eat lunch today. These were my group of guys in Zambia this past week. Ages 11-16 they are starving. They don't have more clothes than what is on their backs. Their homes are 4 walls about 15 sq. feet in area with no roofs. They go to the bathroom in huge holes that are located all over their village with no covering or shelter around them. They go home to uncles/aunts/moms/dads who beat them... beat them with ropes, cables, sticks. They have dreams nightly of dark things such as their dead relatives coming to take them, or coming and eating their flesh.

... and they smile. With bigger smiles than I could muster on my own selfish face. The joy in them, the blessing that is in them, the happiness they walk in is a fulfillment of a Promise. That "blessed are the poor in spirit..." The Holy Spirit has no obstacles with these boys. They know with out a doubt that they are in need... in EVERY way. Physically, spiritually, emotionally they are in need. And Jesus said "I can meet your needs." and they said, "ok." And they expeirience the Light, the Love, the Joy of Jesus on a moment by moment basis.

"...what you have done to the least of these, you have done to Me." -Jesus Christ

Richard is Jesus
Tasha is Jesus
Matias is Jesus
Rueben is Jesus
Misheck is Jesus
Paul is Jesus
Max is Jesus
Malulu is Jesus
Patrick is Jesus
Richard is Jesus
Kunda is Jesus
Kelvin is Jesus
Simon is Jesus
Sekwe is Jesus
Gilbert is Jesus
and what I've done, am doing, and will do to/for them, i did, am doing, and will do to Jesus.

How am I treating my Savior? How am I treating my God? It is evident in how I treat "the least of these".

So who is that category? Who are "The Least"? About 80% of the world. I am in such small group that doesn't live in poverty. I am rich. I am financially rich. So who is "The Least"? Almost everyone else except me and my immediate surrounding population.

LOOK IT UP
www.earthtrends.wri.org
See for yourself how many people live on less than $1 a day. Let it sink in. Let your heart hurt. Cry. But as you cry, do something. Pray. Give your money that you would have spent on a cool hat, a cute skirt, a nice pair of shoes, use that money to feed 20 people. Use your money to make life for someone else better. "Pure and undeflied religion is this: taking care of widows and orphans." But when you've what you can, or if you feel you can't do much, pray for them. Pray that they can get a meal tonight. Pray that they can see Jesus. But i encourage you all, to do as much as you can. Live your beliefs, lest you prove you don't believe them.

Pre Trip Blues

2005-07-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

I most likely will not be able to blog from July 22-Aug 3 due to my absence to Africa.
This does not concern me.

what concerns me:
leaving lots of stuff behind here to take care of (minimal concern)
flying for 20 hours and not being able to sleep
getting to Zambia without a clue in the world of what I'm to do or how to do it
forgetting to take precautions with my health and getting sick over there
(secret one)
after having had an amazing time, having to leave

these are my concerns about Africa. and not to mention the biggest one of all...

not being spiritually prepared for what is going to happen over there. and possibly missing out on something because of my state. here's where my prayer comes in:

Father of Grace
Father of Light
my doubt and worry are darknes
my concern of things of this world i hand over
in Your grace will You allow for my concerns to fade away from me
in Your grace will You take care of me
in Your grace will You do these things to lead me to a place where i can glorify Your Name
because here in my concern, in my worry, in my own hands, i cannot get there
Jesus i count on Your blood to bring me there
Spirit i count on Your leading to bring me there
Father i count on Your love to make me stay there
Father of Grace
Father of Light

so here i am 2 days before leaving for the continent to which my heart has been drawn for last five years. joyful tears well as i think of the children whom i will hug. the children whom i will be able to touch and love and feed and clothe. i'm already smiling more than i was when i started this entry. Africa and the people there have my heart's affection. :-D here i come.

Click It

2005-07-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

www.one.org

3 AM

2005-07-09T03:11:00.000-07:00

this has nothing to do with Matchbox 20 so don't get all riled up about it.

i've just spent an entire evening examining my feelings on certain situations, exploring different ideas; but all of them seemingly came up disappointing to say the least. the phrase "you cannot comprimise in anything..." has been ringing in my head for the last week. have i comprimised? yes. did it hurt? yes. is God still God? yes. i am so glad God's "God-ness" isn't based on me or my ability to stick to something. anyways... tonight:

as i was with some friends of mine, i tried to step back and watch the night unfold. even to the point where i was watching myself. like a movie. it started by me going to a friends apartment who i hadn't seen in some time. we were there for about 5 minutes then came back to my house to meet up with my roommates and some other friends. as i walked in everyone was watching Wondershowzen on MTV2. if you don't know anything about the show, it, in a nutshell, is an insane variety show that makes some people laugh and some cringe. the majority of everyone tonight was laughing at it (on the really wierd parts that everyone feels guilty for laughing at, they all would laugh then look around at each other saying "what in the world?!" as though that justified their laughing at sick humor). but one guy was on the floor with his face down as i walked in. he was a friend of a friend, so i don't really know him, but he kept his face down for a while, then turned to look at the TV when everyone laughed and voiced "what are we watching?" with a genuineness that screamed much louder than the timid laughter coming from the rest.

i stayed in the background just watching it unfold.

soon it was over and everyone started clamouring about what we were to do for the night. after about 15 minutes of just sitting around we all decided to go smoke hooka and the hooka lounge. we rode in 2 cars and our car was playing music that used profain language. talking about vulgar things.

i stayed in the background just watching it unfold.

we got to the hooka lounge and we all started smoking (comprimise 1 of many this week for james: see note further down
blog). but one guy (not the same as the first) decided to abstain. as many times as we've hung out and smoked pipes, cigars, hooka, whatever, this guy has never joined in. hero.

i stepped to the foreground, still watching it unfold.

after a good hour spent there we all came home and watched Hostage starring Bruce Willis. a good flick if you ever want to see a good suspense/thriller. and as i watched the movie, a scene spurred some thoughts that had already been brewing over the night. the kidnappers found money. 4 million dollars. and they looked at like the rich man looked at lazarus from hell: with such envy. maybe more like he looked at the drop of water he longed for: like it would save him. at one point in the night a few people were talking about their jobs and how the could make some pretty decent money doing what they do. and over just this last week i've heard so much talk of money as though it was the end goal of life.

why do so many americans believe that the pursuit of money is where happiness lies?

i've had such a burning desire to give away what i have lately. to use what money i have to help some one who doesn't have it. to answer the call from Isaiah 58:5-11. i feel a little selfish and guilty for even saying something on here, thinking that as you read this you are thinking that i am self righteous. i am in no way such. God put this burn in me and i cannot deny it. to do so would be to embrace myself, and i cannot do that anymore. so how do i live? how do i go through my life pursuing this "Holy Fast" of giving without making myself seem self righteous to others? part of me thinks, "well they should just get over it, bc i'm being obedient." but that has a judgemental spirit. i don't want that. so it seems to me like the best solution would be to just do it. let God mold me in it. let His Spirit be seen. not search for any compliments about it from man. but just do the work to which i have been called. according to His glory.

i just wish i had someone along side me with the same attitude and passion.

so as i try to continue and sit back and watch it unfold, my stance will be proactive towards the Kingdom. and thats it. push ahead trusting God to take care of the rest.

what a hard stinkin' thing to learn. but hey, its 3 AM so i'm not scared. just tired. goodnight.

oh yes.

the comprimise note: i have struggled with a cigarette addiction in the past. and when i go to the hooka lounge my "Justifier 2000" comes on and i finally get to the point where i believe that its not too big of a deal to smoke hooka. "its cleaner." "its not as bad for you as cigarettes." "its just a social thing and i need to reach out to my brothers and 'engage' the culture." when in reality, i've let a small sliver be cut out of my spiritual armor by pursuing what it is that makes me happy and what I WANT TO DO. i don't want anymore attacks to happen due to my "its not a big deal" attitude. God help me. God kill me. God be glorified in me.

Buckle Up (its a long one)

2005-07-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

and now i will share an experience (without using names to protect integrity):

last saturday night me and a bunch of friends took one of our friends out for dinner because they were going away to school soon. my ex-girlfriend (wierd to say that.. its the first time i've used that term) called me to see if i would have a problem with her bringing one of her friends along (a guy). I said not a problem (bc i knew he had a gf and he was also friends with the person leaving town for school). So she brought him. We all had a really good time at dinner and after wards we came back to my house to hang out. but my ex-gf said that she and this guy may not come over bc he was kinda tired and she might have to take him home. so i said cool just call and let me know. so we were all hanging out at our house watchin a movie. well it gets to be 1 AM and she still hasn't called so i call her to see if everything's ok. and it was, she and the guy were out getting coffee or smoking hooka or something. as soon as i heard her say they were together i had a thought of "i really don't like that". and as soon as i hung up the phone, i felt this immediate panicky feeling. kind of a out of control feeling. my heart was racing, i was breathing heavily. it was scary. i sat in my bed for a while, and i was trying to pray through these feelings, but i felt like everytime i started i couldn't finish a sentence. so i ended up calling her. enraged. I said things to her that i wouldn't say to anyone if i was thinking sanely. I attacked her personally for "being the reason i was hurting" and even attacked her spiritual walk saying basically it wasn't where it should be. after a few hours of tears we ended the conversation by me apologizing profusely and her telling me she forgives me. this was 5 am sunday morning. i slept through church. (ps i work at a church and lead worship for the youth group). i woke up and had like 6 missed calls from everyone there. i talked to my boss type guy and he told me not to worry about it. i got off the phone with him right after i woke up, and as soon as i did i got the same panicky fear inside my chest.. even moreso this time. to the point of really being scared for my safety. i didn't know what was happening. i drove to my parents house and prayed in the name of Jesus outloud all the way there.

well, after talking with my dad about it and getting some wise counsel, i really think there was something bigger going on that night than just me and my selfish nature. the combonation of the immediacy of my enraged feelings (bc usually it takes a while of me dwelling on things to become angry or real upset about it esp in dealing with feelings of jealously) plus the horrible HORRIBLE things i said to her on the phone plus me missing church plus the insane feelings of fear.. all made me think something was going on.. and i really believe it was some sort of spiritual warfare. after talking with my dad he told me that usually with attacks like that, that are so powerful and overwhelming, it usually means there is some sort of strong hold in your life that the evil one is able to use an in. what i did that night was completely my fault and i in no way believe that someone or something was speaking through me or controlling me. it was all me. but a thought was maybe as soon as i had that initial thought of "i don't like that she's with him alone" because of the stronghold in my life, the evil one was able to just DOUSE that spark of a thought with gasoline (hince the immediate feelings).

so now that its over, i am dealing with regaining trust with a friend (i like that much better than ex-girlfriend) and with getting rid of strong holds in my life. just because there was an attack doesn't make me any less responsible to deal with the consequences of my actions. (ps, those things i said that night, the vicious and awful things... none true. she is NOT the reason i'm hurting. I cause alot of my own pain by dwelling on things and reading too much into things, but ultimately the pain is the fire that God has placed me in. I blame him for the pain, but in the best way! because i know its going to produce a James i couldn't have made on my own. also her spiritual walk is NOT for me to judge. she is exactly where God wants her, to teach her what she needs to learn, and i have absoulutely no place to say otherwise.)

so i guess to sum up where this has brought me i think of something my dad said that will stick with me for my entire life i'm sure. (with tears in his eyes) "you cannot comprimise in ANY area of your life James. not even a little. the work we have to do is FAR too important." i will not comprimise what i know to be truth. what i know to be right. by the power of God in me i will not comprimise. the work i have to do is FAR too important to let some sin ruin. God is so good to hurt me. So good to allow big, difficult, heavy things come into my life to steer me in the right way. Praise you Abba. Glory to God in the highest.

Ben A.Y.L.

2005-07-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

Just a quick thought.

1 Corinthians 6:12
"'Everything is permissible'-but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible'-but I will not be mastered by anything."

Paul isn't saying this as a truth. Paul is rebuking what the corinthians were trying to live by. Basically saying "why would you ever live like everything is permissible?! IT IS NOT!!" They were trying to claim the freedom they had in Christ was allowance for them to sin. Paul says (in the word answer version) "NO!"

So many times in my life do I do this. I don't say outloud in public "I am free in Christ therefore I can do what I want." But my life, my thoughts, my actions, SCREAM that. I cannot in any way claim that "everything is permissible" in any part of my life, bc if I do, if I live my life like "everything is permissible" i fall into the trap set before me. This trap is one that I have fallen into so much, and everytime I've depended on God's grace to pull me up and lead me in the right way, but in very powerful/supernatural ways God has shown me the importance of NOT comprimising AT ALL in my life because the work He has set before me, of the Kingdom, is WAYYYY too important to let sin and selfishness ruin.

SO

I praise God more and more everyday for His grace to ruin ME in order to build His kingdom, and for Him to gain glory. ALL the glory. and hopefully this maybe helps or encourages somebody.

PS
I'll be back to write more on what God is doing in the heart of me. No worries.

alot in alittle

2005-06-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

spoken words ring true
written words read certain
the Word that was, is, and will be
that Word lets me rest.
that Word gives me peace.
that Word burns into me
a heart of truth.

As i have spent the last 3 weeks traveling around the country for camps, i have heard sermon after sermon after sermon. the common thread of them all? it was truth. the pursuit of truth, of the real, that is what should drive me. and what is the truth... wrong question. WHO is the truth. JESUS. so as i have been put in the fire, as i suffer, as i wince over and over again from the pain in my heart, the only thing i have, the only thing i know, is Jesus. I KNOW He is all i'll ever need. I KNOW He will supply all my needs, ACCORDING TO HIS GLORY. (look up according... i'll help you out: to be in agreement, unity or harmony with.) I KNOW His glory is the end goal, its the reason now, its the purpose... it's IT. and not only does He give peace, but JOY! I have experienced true JOY in my fires of life. i'm still learning to let it come, i'm still struggling with not just dwelling on the hurt that i cut my self off from the Vine, but in it all He is teaching me about His joy. and because of that, i'm being weened from the poisonous breast of the world. it feeds me only lies, and leaves a bitter death taste in my mouth.

and how is all this possible? how is that i'm able to learn these things? 2 words: BY GRACE.
as i'm walking, falling, through these storms, i realize more and more how INFINITE His grace really is. C.S. Lewis said (paraphrased) we must keep our nostrils constantly open to our inner sess pools. if i'm constantly aware of my depraivity, then i'm constantly aware of the immenent grace at my door step. i'm aware of how HUGE my Savior is. and my sess pool is filthier than i want to admit, but when i do finally admit it, oh the FREEDOM! Liberated from the weight that crushed my Savior.

SO

by His grace
for His glory
i suffer
i joy
i live
i die

Beached Whale

2005-06-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

So here I am in Florida. The sun is hot. The breeze is humid. The waves are calm. God is God.

We got to this camp (our high school camp) and we were greeted by pirates and Brittish soldiers. And alot of this camp has been kinda VBSish and cheezy. But praise be to God for being bigger than that. He is completely proving Himself in HUGE ways in the lives of the kids and in my life.

The storms in my life haven't gotten any easier. The waves at times are even seemingly getting bigger. But God is growing me. I would NOT have been able to handle this kind of beating 2 years ago. No way. But God in His infinite wisdom has taken hold of me and burned me and tested me and is shaping me into Christ's image. The storms i'm in now, i do not want to be in. But like I said (maybe not here but i said it) God is holding my hand and I'm squeezing as tight as I can hoping to come out of this time overflowing with joy at the sight of the change in me for His glory.

So more about this camp.

Like I said, kinda cheezy. But another thing that has been buidling in my head and heart is the speaker here and my thoughts on his style and words he gives. I'm in a place in my life where I am sorta like a willing sponge. Not like a natural sponge that JUST soaks up stuff because it has to... I was that as a child. But now its just a willing thing. I here things, see things, learn things, and I choose what I like and what sounds good to me and I soak it up. This could be good, this could be dangerous. with the Spirit's leading i know I can discern what is truth and what is not, but there is that fear of mine that I am just accepting truth based on what sounds good. Alot of what the speaker has talked about here has been in the style of my old preacher from my childhood. Very blunt and almost condemning. "convicting" some say. I don't like that. The only time Jesus was forceful like that in his speech was with the pharisees and his disciples. I think there is something to say about speaking to youth with a tone of love and tone of grace. But like i said, just because I don't like it doesn't make it truth or not. I'm not the decider here. There are many other things that the speaker here has said and done that i've questioned and not liked, but the conclusion i've come to is that no matter what, God is going to do what He wants to do. No matter if what the speaker is saying isn't truth, no matter if it is and it's just hard to take in. No matter what, God WILL recieve glory in this massive plan of His. And my part is to give it and learn from Him in His word and in my life experiences. God help me learn truth and only Truth. Jesus is the Truth.

let me learn Jesus
like a book read slow
He's not just Saviour
but Teacher and Lord
teach me Jesus of You.

Oozer Odessey

2005-06-11T20:15:00.000-07:00

I just signed up on The Ooze www.theooze.com and am hoping to conitinue in the journey of seeking great wisdom on this thing I'm doing called life.

But here it is: my life, no matter how great, or how horrible, is going to end. (
So now the question is (cliche as it may be): how is my life going to "echo in eternity"? (thanks to The Gladiator for that one) If I were able to jump up just high enough to get my eyes into heaven and glimpse my life with eternal eyes what could i see? Could i see a life that was constantly caught up in the happenings of this life, good or bad? Or could I see a life consistantly captured by eternity and living therefore? My call from God has been to seek the latter.

"good or bad":
whats so bad about the good stuff of this life? First off, NOTHING! except this: if we're too caught up in the blessing rather than the Blesser, we loose our eternal focus and our echo turns into something of a disappointment. God chooses to bless us for the reason of His love and grace. We in turn, can respond in 2 ways: praise Him for it; take it and hoard it. My encouragement to you is that it stops being about you. If there's any phrase that has become OVERLY USED its "its not about me". I hate that because at its core, there is nothing but truth there. But its become so flipant in its usage that any time you hear it, you say amen and move on. I know I do. But when you really let it become your life... that your life is bigger than you.. that life in general is bigger than what we get out of it, then at that point you move from worrying about it, and becoming consumed by it, into a place of eternal outlook.

This morning I had a run in with reality. I tried to take the situation of my storm into my own hands and it turned a thing that hurt me, but also another. I didn't go into it with the purpose of seeking God's glory. I didn't go into with the outlook of eternity. What I did was try to make myself feel better, and ironically, did the opposite (along with hurting another). But the reality I ran into (after an amazing week at FCA camp and seeing God move in great power, and hearing His voice pierce my heart heavily) was that to have this eternal outlook, to have this life full of purpose, its going to take me working. I can't just continue to do what I want and hope God will jump on board. Cause guess what... He not only won't jump on board, but He'll pull You off board. AND PRAISE GOD FOR PULLING ME OFF BOARD!!! Apologies are due to the one who I hurt in my selfish quest this morning, but also to the God of infinite wisdom and The Plan.

Life's reason is bigger than what I get out of it.
Life's reason is bigger than what you get out of it.
Life's reason is to Glorify the God in bigger ways than we know.

My encouragement to you and myself is quit trying to get God on board with you. Jump off and drown in His unending ocean of a plan and let It consume you, kill you, and let you experience something bigger than you could have known.

Holy

2005-06-09T12:35:00.000-07:00

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come.

Tonight was the last night here at FCA camp in Abeliene. God made Himself known so greatly! Here's what it looked like:

First up was Falling. Spittin' out a little tune called Unto You. In my humble opinion, a great way to start a service: that is giving honor and glory where its due... YAHWEH. Next up was Daniel Scott Matheson (actually it was Kennon playing the part of said man). Daniel was a man who gain all that a man could gain here on earth. Wealth that only 1% of the earth's population shared in. Great family: wife, son. And to top it off, his eternity was set to be with the Father in heaven. But through out his life he did nothing that lasted for eternity. He squandered the wealth he had, and took his family for granite. But worse, took his First Love for granite. So the scene is set and then... RAPTURE. He finds himself in heaven at the Bema Seat of Christ (where he judges all his children=christians for their lives on earth). and as he watches all these people go he is sooo happy. seeing them recieving crowns for their work for the Kingdom. then it comes to his turn and he approaches the throne and finds that his life amouted to not much for the Kingdom. He had no crowns. then everyone started to throw their crowns at the feet of Jesus and he had nothing to give. But his tears were wiped away by his first love who never took him for granite. So as "Daniel" is telling his story we (falling) are intermentantly playing songs that are focused alllll on glorifying God the Father. God is amazing. Kids in the crowd were worshipping like the never had before. Like God was amazingly fresh and new. The power of the spirit was evident on the hands raised, the faces lifted upwards, the hearts making mouths shout to heaven. We ended with about 4 extremely fast extremely pumped up praise songs still focused on the Father. The only One due.

God is bigger than _____________________ (fill in the blank)
you could put anything there, bc He is bigger than it all. If He wasn't He wouldn't be God. Praise Hiim knowing that He IS BIGGER THAN IT ALL! bigger than problems, bigger than the best times you've experienced here on earth (even in worship). bigger than what so easily consumes us, whether stuff, or people, or ourselves... He's bigger than it and therefore is able to powerfully come down and say "hey, I know, it'll be ok. I LOVE YOU." l;kajsdf;ljasdfasdfljk;lsdajf.... sorry, my fingers were moved in the Spirit.

Give God the glory and He will move you to a place that makes you realize how small you are and how insignificant the worries (good or bad) in this life are. Then He will lead You into life the way it should be lived: for Him. "Take His lead" is my hearts cry for me and you.

Delicious Words

2005-06-07T22:21:00.000-07:00

Abeliene is the gate way to "nowhere". There is nothing around it. We drove last night for about 45 minutes looking for a place to eat. Here's what we found: 32 Subways, 1 McDonalds, 1 Arby's (closed), 1 Taco Bell (had it the night before), 1 Taco Bueno, and oddly enough the biggest Sonic in the history of all things. We went with the Taco Bueno. And here's what conspired: as we were walking out, full of gas and joy, a couple was walking in and began a conversation with us. It sounded as though they had already been talking to us before we were even in the picture by the way this lady started takling. Pretty funny, but real nice people. We finish talking about nothing and we walk outside. As soon as we get to the car a guy comes running up holding his flip flops asking us to take him down the street to the gas station. He REEKS of grandpappy's old cough syrup, but we decide to give him a ride. But before we even get a chance to say sure, a homeless lady comes up to us. She was very small and very nice. She asked us for a couple dollars to go stay at the Salvation Army. So we decided to give her some money. According to the drunk guy she was legit. Mind you, once the lady left we took the guy to the gas station... and we're in Neill's Camry. Theres already 5 people in this five seat car. We added a sixth and he was drunk. We gave him the front.

So that was our night last night.

God has been doing awesome things at this camp. I haven't been able to interact alot with the kids, but even what He's doing in us as a band is so great. Please be praying for us as we are really starting to seek His calling in our lives individually with the hope that He will bring along our calling as a band... if there is to be one. Thanks :)

I miss all you guys back home tremendously, but I don't think alot of you know I have this.. sooooo... ok. Anywho. If I can't sleep tonight I'll be back to write more. Probably some deeper thoughts. I'm itchin' to vent all these thoughts I've been having. I'll be back.

On Loin

2005-06-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

Thank you Neill.

quick update: its June 6 and we just had our first day of FCA Camp in Abeliene. Its been AWESOME! The kids have SOOO much energy which bodes well for us on stage.. we can feed off it. 'Tis great. Falling now has an email which you can set up shows through. Here it is: fallingworship@yahoo.com . Enjoy all the convo's you're soon to have with this amazing band. Let us know you care and shoot us an email. I'll post more this week when i have more time. Have a blessed day all you who read this. And feel free to pass this around to your friends so more read it.

Peace.

New Ideas

2005-06-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

So i'm sitting here in College Station wondering to my self "how often are new and fresh ideas supposed to come along for me?" Am i supposed to always be on the cutting edge of theology, speaking the latest fads of wisdom, all while enjoying a good strong cup of double shot carmel macchiato? Fads.

What is a fad? Clothes are. Cars are. Hairstyles are. Is theology? People look at these "fads" and say to themselves (with the obvious hope of some one's eaves drop) "Oh these fads will soon fade, but the lasting thing through it all is Jesus Christ who is full of grace..." then they trail off into the last thing they read by the wisest man they heard was out there. If that's not a fad then neither are the shoes i'm wearing.

I am all too guilty of pursuing what I have heard to be the "greatest" thing. Whether it be as superficial as what kind of guitar will be the best for when i lead, with my all consuming knowledge of the Holy, the masses into the throne room of the Almighty. As if i have anything to do with it. Or the fad could be the latest view on predestination, free will, or some other mystery about God we'll never be able to understand. What ever it is, its a fad. and i believe in my pursuit of these "fads" i find myself in need of more and more. i get tired of hearing that "grace is sufficient" or "faith is a gift". I need more to keep my attention. but i'm realizing more and more my attention shouldn't be any of my concern.

with all the latest wisdom in the world, i could hope to achieve a status like no other. one that begs to be outstanding among the drones of all the normal people in the world. one person so fat with knowledge he can't even get off the seat he sat in to start this "amazing journey". i easily am sucked into the latest theological ideas because i am wired in that way to be automatically receptive to new and exciting ideas. but all too often, like i'm sure many do, i get caught up in it. i tune out the one Voice i should be listening too. amongst the chatter of all the professors and pastors, is the soft Whisper of the Beginner of it all. Yahweh has called us all into fellowship with Him through the voice, life, and love of Jesus Christ (check out John 1). when i tune Him out, i'm setting myself up to starve to death as a fat man.

So now i'm here: listen to Love's call, and allow Him to consume me. not the latest trends in worship or christianity, but the Beginner of it all. and continue in the life He breathed into me trusting that He will finish what He started in me, just like He said He would.

Jesus, Name above all names
Beautiful Saviour
Glorious Lord
Emmanuel, God is with us
Blessed Redeemer
Living Word

Mudvayned Ears

2005-06-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

right now my roommate is working out so he apparently needs some "pumping iron" music. thus Mudvayne is playing through our entertainment center. loudly. my feelings on this are somewhat... what's that? i can't hear you over the Mudvayne.

Today.

last night was good. real good. i woke up in a state still realizing that i am NOTHING with out Him. without Love. i woke knowing certain things were still not mine, and felt this kind of despairity. but i realized i hunger for things that leave me hungry once eaten. How good is God to speak words i need to, HAVE TO hear? John chapter 5, Jesus reveals Himself as THE Bread of Life. the ONE thing that can fill an empty soul. There are 2 bands that have a song called God-Shaped-Hole. one is audio adrenaline, and i'm not sure who the other one is... wait. got it. its plumb.

(just a quick story on that band: when i was in the 8th grade, some 9 years ago... crap i'm old... i was in a 3 man band. i was the drummer. we were pretty amazing... grammy material no doubt. and so we started to think up names for when we hit it big. we deliberated for days on the subject and the final out come was an amazing name of PlumbLine. and sure enough, a month later, Plumb release their first album. dang it.)

back to Jesus. He just continues to amaze. no matter my state, no matter my circumstance, Jesus remains. even through the piercing screams of Chad Gray.

Quote of the day:

"Tyler Durden: We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.

Narrator: Martha Stewart.

Tyler Durden: [bleep] Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man. So [bleep] off with your sofa units and Strinne green stripe patterns."
-Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk

Disclaimer: I do not endorse nor do I participate in any form or variation of cussing. Please note the big picture of the previous quote and the truth in it rather than the [bleep]'s. The only thing that isn't going down, is Christ.
amen

First Things First

2005-06-02T01:13:00.000-07:00

to quote the great poet of our time David Crowder
"You are the only One i need
i bow all of me at Your feet
i worship You alone.
You alone are Father and
You alone are Good
You alone are Saviour and
You alone are God."

Can anything be more true in this life? i propose no. God, Yahweh, Jehovah, is THE One who started this whole thing called life, this whole thing called living, and HE alone is the one who is good enough to complete it.

anything i've tried to cling to in the past to try and fulfill this role of "fulfiller" has been somewhat snatched from my hands. like a little kid with a toy he loves whose dad takes it from him to teach him a lesson, so i am with my wants; and so God is as my Father who has denied me things to teach me things i could never have learned while holding (and being consumed by) my toys. He is not a mean old man just out to make us miserable. quite the opposite. He is a loving Creator who knows EXACTLY what we need and will stop at nothing in His relentless grace to make sure we get just that.

HALLELUIAH to that!

80's Child

Thanks Kelley

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